Attachment Styles and How They Impact Your Presence

The most common source of conflict in a relationship isn’t compatibility, it's attachment. Patterns of behaviours formed in childhood, may still be playing out for you today.  When I heard this I recall thinking how deeply they impact the coaching journey and felt called to lean into what I could share to deepen your journey here. It’s common as we shift into adulthood, to habitually express and withhold parts of ourselves. Essentially, we shadow our wounded self to maintain into a sense of balance.  Which unknowingly can be an imbalance. When we seek to know ourselves more deeply, to drop below the surface... into driving behaviours, thoughts and impulses from which we navigate connection. Sitting at the intersection of connection and authenticity we find attachment theory. From which stems attachment styles, revealing an aspect of ‘why we do what we do’ as a way to grow and shape our relationships in adult life.

“People have two basic needs. Attachment and authenticity. When authenticity threatens attachment… attachment trumps authenticity.” — Dr. Gabor Mate.

As you explore and drop deeper into the four attachment styles, consider a theory that may... Help you recognise red flags and relational blind spots. That may... Support you to deepen connection trust and intimacy. Influence self-worth and expand emotional regulation. Focus your healing intentions and determine your developmental goals. It’s vital that growth and transformation come from a safe and secure base. Attachment theory will open a door for you to discover just that. A safe and secure base for your authenticity to unfurl. Explore the four attachments styles of adult attachment that fuel or drown out authenticity. Discover what they are. How they impact views, explain behaviours and relational mishaps. Discover a pathway back to a wholeness. Deepen awareness. Understand yourself and those around you when it comes to connecting with others.  

The four attachment styles:

Anxious (aka I’m not Okay. You’re Okay.): This insecure and reassurance seeking orientation often worries about their relationships. With a preoccupation or fixation on other people’s behaviours. They tend to lean towards others to fix them or for love, clingy or dependent, jealousy and upset can be easily triggered. Their want to be in a relationship and can be overly emotional and impulsive. Expecting others will keep them safe. Their desperation and neediness can seem demanding and often have others pull away. As children, their needs may not have not been attended to. Growing with adult tones of low self-esteem, fear of rejection and a longing for safety and security. They want to be loved, to feel secure and to be valued. As a strength, they are ready to jump all into relationships, ready to learn and discover. Suspending themselves to be vulnerable, they jump into connection head first. Their openness and adaptability could leave them lacking the protection they need. Or, be a pathway to a secure attachment. 

Avoidant (aka I’m Okay. You’re not Okay): This insecure orientation withdraws from relationships when they feel overwhelmed. Forming a self-concept, getting too close to others is uncomfortable. I need to watch my own emotional experience and try not to rely on others. Connection equals self-reliance. They typically "shut down" and retreat when conflict arises in connection. They may seem one sided and cut off. They may want their partners to become more independent. Desire less responsibility for others emotional regulation. They may hide their feelings, and be as if they don’t need anyone. Coming off cold and defensive and overly self-sufficient. They learned early on, if I show my true vulnerabilities or pain I will be met with disgust or rejection. As children they may have felt alone not looking to other others for support because it wasn't there. They may have felt rejected and left to fend for themselves. Growing with an adult tone of being distant, having a hard time trusting others and a need to be independent. As a strength, they may represent stoicism, calm and emotional containment. They can remain independent. But, too much of this may leave them isolated and cut off. Coregulating and expressing needs vulnerably could leave them feeling shame. Or, may be a pathway to secure attachment. 

Fearful (aka I’m not Okay. You’re not Okay): This insecure orientation has a push-pull relationship. Seeking out love only to desire independence. They simultaneously desire connection and fear getting too close. This makes it difficult to form and maintain meaningful, healthy connection. Hyperaware to the fear within connection and preoccupied with wounding. They can be flippant between logic and their emotional experience. Forever sensing when to jump ship. Never rooted in their connection - one foot in one foot out. With a detached presence and inner radar set to not make the same mistakes again. They lack a deep sense of knowing who they are. Seeing themselves only through others. They try to avoid their feelings because they can be easily overwhelmed by them. When triggered they can lean towards anxious or avoidant orientations - sensing they have lost themselves. In truth, they never lose themselves. They're actually seeing a part of themselves that they habitually suppress. As children, they more often saw others as threats than support. Actions and behaviours of others may not have been consistent. Growing with adult tones of low self-esteem and high anxiety in relationships. They want to form strong connections but want to protect themselves. Trusting others may lead to the greatest fear of rejection. Or, may be a pathway to secure attachment. 

Secure (aka I’m Okay. You’re Okay). This secure orientation enjoys their own company and the company of others. Recognising we're all human having a human experience. They don’t seek out relationships just for the sake of it. They have the ability to self-regulate, set boundaries and be vulnerable. Their worldview is one where trust comes easily. Emotions are felt and expressed safely. Behaviour is flexible and adaptive. They are able to stay true to who they are and honour the boundaries of others. They embody a raw edge of authenticity that’s reflected across all areas of life. Others feel they ‘know you’. They can lean into wholeness, put ego aside and accept all parts of themselves. They grow into adults who enjoy the company of others. Can ask for support. Act independently without projecting shadow wounds on others.  Attune to emotions. Meet conflict emphatically and head on. Vary depths of vulnerability or emotional intimacy. Accept boundaries. Remain confident in who they are and their own self-worth. 

The Shadows of the Four Attachment Orientations

Shadow work is meeting the parts of ourselves that sit outside of our conscious awareness. Welcoming into presence that which was suppressed. Through healing childhood wounds. Triggers. Expanding awareness. Creating a map to cultivate resilience. Uncover blind spots. We step in wholeness and move towards secure attachment. As a child we expanded the behaviour that felt safe and protected us. Growing with adult tones of choice, we can choose how to feel safer in the world. We reach to shadow work to improve and deepen our connection with others. In connecting with others, anytime we change, the environment around us changes. Or returns us to what’s known and expected. Always seeking homeostasis. Shadow work may involve comfort and discomfort. Dissolving your fixed self-concept. Expanding and knowing yourself more deeply. Being triggered. More independence. Closer connection. Separation. Grief. And, a willingness to become more present within your emotions, connections and their regulation. 

We only risk to develop in ourselves what we're willing to risk within the system that surrounds us. Ask yourself. "Am I ready to be realistic about the ecology of my environment?" "How can I stop triggering my own shadow tendencies in my partner?" "How can I choose to be this this connection?" "How can I meet and be present with all aspects of myself?" "Am I willing to focus more on my own growth than those I am connecting with?"

Discover the shadow of the four attachments

Anxious (aka I’m not Okay. You’re Okay The shadow of the anxious style:

What rests in shadow is their own self-reliance and independence go into the shadow. If I don’t make my needs very loudly and consistently known then I will be abandoned. The way I connect is by keeping my emotional needs right at the front of my awareness. Ready to make them known to anyone in the moment. A feeling of distance between self and others. Fear orientation around isolation keeps capable others close to them. They have a sensitive nervous system. With a tendency to ‘act out’ when triggered by jealousy or by other means. They tend to not trust others and fear rejection and being alone. Struggling to communicate their needs. 

Avoidant (aka I’m Okay. You’re not Okay):

What rests in shadow is their own vulnerability and needs, sometimes even from their own awareness. They downplay the importance of connection, thinking they are not the problem. They remove themselves from connection and avoid holding space for others. An unconscious need for others to take care of themselves. They are generally less effective in managing stressful situations. Likely to withdraw and resist seeking help, which stops them forming satisfying connections. They tend to move away from others to reduce emotional stress. Leaving them more anti-social and distant. 

Fearful (aka I’m not Okay. You’re not Okay):

What rests in shadow is the sensation of their emotional experience. They tend to wear a social mask that reflects only a part of who they are. Showing up in the world how they're experiencing it. Shamefully sensing they're not their most authentic when connecting. Significantly neglecting their wholeness. Aloof one day and emotional the next. Centring to only a part of themselves. And, this part changes depending on their moment-to-moment experience. Leaving others to feel they don't know you nor what to expect from you. The tend to never real their deeper insights. Leaving them more withdrawn and suppressed.

Secure (aka I’m Okay. You’re Okay.):

What rests within light is the ability to self-regulate and coregulate. Sustaining an independent worldview, that honours you and others. Secure within their emotional landscape. They are open and non-defensive and accept not everyone will like them. They do not feel rejected when their others need space and value respect. They can depend on others and allow others to depend on them. They don't overreact, over-personalize, or withdraw.

The move to Security for the Four Attachment Orientations:

Security is where you know where and when it’s safe to let your guard down. An undefended way of being. To expand a sense of safety, inflate your strengths not your fixations. Seek balance in your connections. Honour what matters to you most. Flow through life in a way that makes sense. Be accountable for your role within it and the connections you have.  Reflect rather than react. Seek out space and calm. Be objective. Consider what you want to achieve and respond openly. Get out of enmeshed connection. Instead of dodging red flags, support a more self-protected version of yourself. Set your own boundaries. End the loop of endless suffering. Be curious, ask yourself. "Who am I?" What makes me happy?" "What matters to me most in life?" "Where am I going in life? "How would I design my life if I knew without a shadow of a doubt this connection would last forever?" "What areas of my life would I strengthen? What would I do with your time? 

Discover the lean into safety of the four attachments

Anxious (aka I’m not Okay. You’re Okay The move to secure attachment: 

Learn to be okay within yourself and not disgusted when avoidant people approach you. Vulnerability met with disgust, is likely to trigger you. You will need to work on this to form a healthy connection. Release the need for those around you to be perfect. Go inwards to find regulation rather than balancing your whole self-concept on others. Learn to be vulnerable and open and direct about your needs. Ask yourself; "When is it time for me to attune to my needs?" "How can I get to know myself with a life full of people and goals that I love?" 

Avoidant (aka I’m Okay. You’re not Okay):

Learn to stay in connection and lean into vulnerability. With intensity comes connection. Ask yourself “How do I become more vulnerable in crisis?” Your strength here can be expanded in other areas of your life. Ask for help. Be vulnerable. Express yourself. Share emotions and consider “How am I supported by community to thrive. Consider the wider landscape of society food, systems, rules organisations… Ask yourself “How can I become more connected to those around me.

Fearful (aka I’m not Okay. You’re not Okay):

Learn to lean into your wholeness and be the same person everywhere you go. Explore and open to all parts of yourself. Integrate logic and emotion and create a secure and balanced worldview. Practice accepting all parts of yourself. Accepting the polarities of your perspective, love-hate, connection-disconnection, love-anger. Ask yourself; "How can I express my emotions as they arise?" "What would it be like to have more discernment?" The solution is not to deny a part of ourselves but to express all of ourself - without judgement. 

Secure (aka I’m Okay. You’re Okay.):

Lean into your ability to trust. Emotional safety and effective communication can deepen. Dr. Siegel suggests you're more likely to be flexible, insightful and resilient. Secure orientation expands with being seen, soothed and feeling safe. Seeing, holding yourself with a willing and open heart. Honouring all parts of yourself, including your inner experiences and underlying behaviours. Soothing emotions as they arise and meeting your moment-to-moment experience. Safe to be who you are in connection with others. Ask yourself "What do I need to stay regulated balanced in the world?"

To go deeper book in a session or deep dive into John Bowlby’s Attachment Theory.